The pink lamp of the Nile
by angelofdragons
Summary: This is my first attempt at humour. Harry Potter finds a old lamp, on his summer vaction with the Weasley's, and is able to be granted three wishes.
1. chapter 1

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A/N: Hi, this is my first and sad attempt at a humorous fic. Please review, it would mean a lot. Thanx.  
  
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Far from the west (from where I sit) stand six red haired people, a female teen with brown unmanageable hair, and male teen with jet black hair, dazzling green eyes, and glasses. These assorted humans are off to visit Ron Weasley's brother Bill.  
  
So once again the Weasley's had just enough money to travel to one of the hottest places on earth. Where the longest river in the world flows beside the place where they are at.  
  
(A/N: You guess where they are, this is my intro to my story)  
  
Hermione Granger the all smart and sophisticated girl in the entire wizarding world was bouncing up and down in front of Ron's mother, Mrs. Weasley.  
  
"Oh please, oh please, Mrs. Weasley may we go on a dig, please?!" she asked, hyperly.  
  
Ginny, Ron's younger sister was right beside her begging her mother also. Ron grabbed Harry by the arm and looked him fiercely in the eye.  
  
"Please don't go with them!" he pleaded with his best bud.  
  
"But it sounds--" Harry was cut off.  
  
"No it doesn't. I've been on one of those... they make you slave away in the hot sand, in the hot sun, on one of the hottest days of the year. Why don't we go to the pyramids instead, they are way cooler." he said trying to persuade Harry.  
  
"He is right mate." George said, poking into their conversation.  
  
"Exactly with all the tombs, traps, suffocating rooms we can shove the two of you in. It will be a blast.... for us anyway." Fred laughed and walked away.  
  
"But Ron. What Hermione was saying, it made the Dig sound really interesting." Harry said turning to Hermione and Ginny's plead to go, listening for the answer.  
  
"Fine." Ron's eyes were filling up with tears. "You go. I'll have fun on my own being stuffed in all those traps and rooms and such." Ron turned around to walk out the door when something seemed to catch his attention. "Wait, that wasn't fun the last time they did that to me... Alright I'll come with you to the horrible dig." Ron said sulking.  
  
"Great! We get to throw you into holes then." George said happily.  
  
Harry tried to suppress a giggle but came into a roaring laugh. Ron went up and punched him in the arm.  
  
*  
  
Voldemort was prancing (ahem pacing) up and down a hallway thinking about all the cruel ways of harming all the wizards in the world, especially Harry Potter, and especially Dumbledore. Well, while he was pacing in great thought and happiness, a noise interrupted him. Some sort of screaming that he was not causing. Walking in anger to the source of the noise, he found Wormtail sitting on a comfy chair with a bright picture changing, box in front of him.  
  
"What is that!" he screeched looking at the bright box.  
  
"A television set," Wormtail said like Voldemort wasn't there. "I stole it. Want to watch the rest of the movie that I stole also?" he asked stuffing some popcorn in his mouth.  
  
"Um, is it about world domination?" Voldemort asked hopefully.  
  
"Erm... it's a Walt Disney. Aladdin of be precise."  
  
"Ahh.." Voldemort sat down none the less and watched the movie with him.  
  
*  
  
The Weasley's and their added children were at a fossil digging site near the Nile river (the river I was talking about earlier.)  
  
"Ooh! A foot imprint." Hermione said happily taking a brown white rock thing out of the river's bed.  
  
Harry was looking deeper in the river, wadding in the water he stumbled. Falling into the muddy river he felt something under his butt. Jumping up thinking it was a crab or something found something extraordinary. 'A gold piece!' Picking it up, found it wasn't gold at all but a oil burning lamp. With a gasp he started to jump up and down in happiness, ready to yell that he had found something. Then a sneaky thought came into his head, and he quickly stuffed it into the pack he had with him.  
  
*  
  
About five minutes before the movie ended (when Genie was turning Jafar into a genie) Voldemort left, saying he needed to do something. When he came back Wormtail's eyes were glistening.  
  
"What did I miss?" he asked looking at Wormtail in confusion.   
  
"Nothing." he said in a shuddering breath. "It was a happy ending."  
  
Voldemort gave him an evil eye.  
  
"Jafar won." he lied a smiled coming to his lips.  
  
"And I missed it?" he asked.  
  
  
  
"Yeah.. sorry my lord." Wormtail said and took out the movie making it disappear.  
  
Voldemort sat down, "I have an idea." he said all of a sudden.  
  
"Really what is it, may I ask, my lord?"  
  
"Genies are real." he smiled wickedly. "Oh, Wormtail. Go find one will you? I'll give you one wish if you do."  
  
"Okay.. where should I look?" Wormtail asked happily.  
  
"River beds, black market, Saudi Arabia.. places like that."  
  
Wormtail smiled then disapparated. 


	2. chapter 2

Ron came into the hotel room and sat beside Harry who was looking at the lamp he just found in the river.  
  
"What have you got there, Harry?" Ron asked looking over his shoulder.  
  
Harry stuffed it under the covers, and turned to Ron. "Ahhh! What happened to you?!" he screamed.  
  
Ron looked down, Harry couldn't tell if he was blushing or not, his face was as red as his hair.  
  
"Sun burnt..." Ron sighed.  
  
"I see.. didn't you wear sun screen?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Sun Block?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Your brothers?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Huh."  
  
"So what do you have?" Ron asked again.  
  
"A found it in the market place... it's nothing special."  
  
"So? I still want to see it." Ron said stubbornly, and pushed Harry off the bed and tried to look for it.  
  
Harry rolled onto the floor with the lamp in his hands and scuttled to the so called bathroom. Sitting on the toilet he looked over the chrome of the lamp, 'Ooh shiny. oh no, there is dirt!' the thought. Rubbing the dirt off, it started to turn pink. Every second it became brighter and brighter, soon a green mist came swirling from the spout.  
  
A huge green figure was floating in front of him. Large very dark blue eyes stared at him impatiently. Harry stared at him in a transfixed way.  
  
"So, what are you looking at?" he asked shrilly.  
  
"You." Harry said. "What are you doing here in my bathroom?"  
  
"Oh well, you summoned me here." he said his voice still quite high. "Now why did you summon me here to this small *sniffs* arg icky room? That should be the question." he said matter-of-factly still in a high voice.  
  
"Well I didn't summon you." Harry also said matter-of-factly.  
  
"Well yes you did. YOU rubbed my lamp." he stared at Harry. "Didn't you know that the lamp you are holding is my home, my Genie home." he emphasized the word "Genie".  
  
"Genie?" Harry said, in amazement, then leaned back a bit too far and fell into the toilet (not flush-able...) "Ahh!" he screamed. "Help!" he looked at the genie.  
  
"Wish yourself out." he said plainly.  
  
"I wish... Hey no way am I going to use a wish for this. I'll just ask my friend Ron. You get back in that lamp of yours while I get him." he stared at the Green genie. "Ron?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Help?" he asked meekly.  
  
"Where are you?" his friend asked.  
  
"Wash room."  
  
"Uh.... sorry your going to have to help yourself on that...."  
  
"Darn." came the reply from inside the bathroom.   
  
AN: So.. since I have trouble with humor, I would like you people who are reading this to help me with a small thing. Wishes. Harry needs to wish for something.. or Ron can steal it and wish for him or... so on. Anyway, I would like ideas for wishes Harry could make.   
  
Limitations are: unlimited wishes 


	3. chapter 3

Everyone was gone from the hotel except Ginny, she stayed behind because she had to find her money to go clothes shopping. Walking through the hallway she spotted Ron and Harry's room, being her curious self stepped in and looked around. Her eyes landed on a bright gold lamp on Harry's bed, 'hmm,' she looked around to see if anyone was around. Smiling evilly she took the lamp and ran to her room.  
  
She rubbed it and it started to turn pink, soon a green mist came swirling from the spout.  
  
A huge green figure was floating in front of her. Very large and very dark blue eyes stared at her, then hit her on the head.  
  
"You're not my master!" it said shrilly. "Oh fine, fine. What is your wish?"  
  
"Master?" Ginny looked at him. "Ooh, wishes you say?" she smiled evilly.  
  
As she was thinking a wish, a person ran up the stairs. She stuck her head out of the door to look who it was. 'Ahh, Harry.' she smiled dreamily. She looked him over before he disappeared in his room.  
  
"Okay I have one!" Ginny turned around to the Genie who was hovering above the floor asleep. "Excuse me?!!" she shouted.  
  
The genie woke up with a yelp, "Yes?"  
  
"I have decided, on a wish." she said.  
  
"Uh huh." the genie said and crossed his arms.  
  
"I wish: Harry Potter's ass to be bigger... you know real nice."  
  
The genie blinked.  
  
*  
  
Harry was looking for some sunscreen for Ron since all of his was used up yesterday. Going through his trunk he felt his jeans getting tighter on his behind and a bit on his waist. He looked at his back side, he didn't notice anything really different, maybe his boxers were bunched up. He walked into the bathroom.  
  
*  
  
"Did anything happen?" Ginny asked excitedly.  
  
"I sure hope so." the genie said in his high shrill voice.  
  
Ginny stuck her head out of the door way and waited a bit. Soon Harry came out with a bottle of sunscreen, she followed him with her eyes. 'Mmm.' she wrinkled her nose in pleasure.  
  
"Wow, you are a genie! A good one at that!" she said. "So how many wishes do I get?"  
  
"Three." he said.  
  
"So I wasted one, wish?"  
  
The genie nodded yes.  
  
'Meh, it was a well wasted wish.'  
  
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An: One wish used, yea! Okay so my idea for chapters is: every wish is a chapter. So many chapters will probably be as short as this one. just a warning. 


	4. chapter 4

Ginny was sitting in her bed listening to all the rules and regulations the genie had before making her second wish.  
  
"-- and no wishes for more wishes!" he finished.  
  
Ginny looked at him in disbelief, "What?! That's not fair."  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Fine, well then um... I wish ... I wish for more money so Malfoy won't make fun of my family anymore!"  
  
"Not to question you Ms Weasley but... are you asking for respect or money?"  
  
"Money."  
  
"Okey Dokey!" he crossed his arms and blinked.  
  
Ginny looked around for a chest or money to fall from the sky. "Nothing happened."  
  
"I am up-to-date missy, the money is in the bank right now. I made the mistake once before for my last master and he was robbed, PLUS it was his last wish. So that's the reason."  
  
Ginny flinched. "Well thanks, you can go now back to your lamp now."  
  
"Your welcome." he smiled finally getting a thanks, and left.  
  
Ginny was going out of her room quite happy with herself when Ron ploughed her back in her room.  
  
"Ginny guess what happened?!" he almost shouted.  
  
Ginny was too surprized to speak so Ron continued.  
  
"Mum went to check how much money we have left in our account and it's a whole lot!" is all he could bring himself to say. "and it's ours--" Ron spotted the lamp on Ginny's bed. "Hey Harry has one just like that!"  
  
When Ginny realized what her brother was talking about she flung herself upon the lamp hiding it away from Ron.  
  
"Wait! You didn't steal it did you?" he looked at her curiously.  
  
"No. Of course not." Ginny said.  
  
"Gin, let me see it?" he demanded.  
  
"No."  
  
Ron jumped toward his sister and they wrestled for the lamp. Ginny pulled it away when Ron had a hold of it and the action caused the lamp to be rubbed. Genie came out and saw the brawl.  
  
"Uh excuse me?" he looked at both of them.  
  
Ron looked up and screamed, "Bloody that's a genie."  
  
"Well thank you for noticing." he said sarcastically. "So who rubbed my lamp?"  
  
They looked at each other, "Um..."  
  
"Miss Weasley, did you want something again already?"  
  
Ron looked between his sister and the genie, "You used it already?! and you didn't tell me?!"  
  
Ginny looked at him, "Well I don't have to tell you everything now do I?"  
  
"Yes you do." Ron said.  
  
"Well I don't think you want me to tell you everything."'  
  
"Yes I do."  
  
Ginny turned around in disgust.  
  
Ron looked at her quizzically before taking the lamp and walking out of the room. 'I better give this to Harry before something else happens.' he thought. The longer he walked with it the more he thought about using it himself. The last minute before going into the pyramid he rubbed the lamp and once again it turned pink and the green genie came out.  
  
"Oh it's you. Does this mean I have a new master?"  
  
Ron looked around, "Yes." he said with confidence.  
  
"And what is your wish?"  
  
Ron thought about for awhile, "More wishes!"  
  
The genie looked at him in conffuzzlement, "Can you be more specific?"  
  
"Two more." 'wait is that enough? well I can always wish for more...'  
  
"Uh huh. So what do you want?"  
  
"Two more wishes!" Ron smiled.  
  
"Okay.... but what do you say?" Genie pressed, 'Boy these new masters, it's like they need a class for making wishes.'  
  
Ron's face scrunched up in concentration, "Oh yeah, I wish for two more wishes!"  
  
"Finally!" he said under his breath. "Your wish is my command."  
  
"Yes! I have five wishes." Ron did a little dance.  
  
"Okay Ron learn how to count, you wasted one wish then you have two left, and then you wished for two more. That equals four wishes." the author walked up from nowhere and corrected him.  
  
Ron looked at her in disbelief.  
  
"Ha ha, you are both wrong! Ronald is left with two wishes."  
  
"What?!" the author and Ron gasped.  
  
"That's right, he wished for two wishes on his first wish so they cancel out the last two. Ha you guys don't know anything about genies!" Genie laughed at the two.  
  
"That's not right!" the author said. "Anyway you said in the beginning of the chapter that and I quote, "and no wishes for more wishes!" so how is this happening?"  
  
"There is a loop-hole that only genies know about!" genie replied smartly.  
  
The author scrunched up her face in defeat, while Ron was trying to figure out what was going on.  
  
"Okay so how come you granted my wish?" he asked Genie, "and who the hell are you?" he asked the author.  
  
A.n: I think this was more interesting chapter, hoped you all liked it 


	5. chapter 5

Genie and the author stood there while Ron was crying from trying to figure out what was happening.  
  
The author patted Ron after a while trying to make him stop. "It's alright Ron. We'll explain it really slowly." she glared at Genie for a moment. "You better explain how I, the one who created you, is wrong about genies."  
  
"Well simple you didn't study them enough and wrote this just on the fact that Aladdin was on when you happen to pass the living room." Genie explained (which is true and I still won't look up any info on genies). "Also the main rules are if we don't say any of the "rules" in the first place *which we try not to* we can do anything for our master."  
  
'And yet they still have masters....' the author thought to herself. "Okay then..."  
  
Ron sniffed, seemingly finished his tears, "So who are you?"  
  
"Me?" the author asked. "I am a freshman who loves being creative and odd, I also happened to write you into my story.... which I am still trying to complete."  
  
Ron looked dumbstricken, "Uh huh. So what's your name?"  
  
"I go by many names, but you can call me The Author." The Author said.  
  
"So you don't have a real name?" Genie asked.  
  
"Well it's confidential." The Author said. "Though I have to admit it is in other stories I have written, though the characters don't reflect me..." she started rambling.  
  
"You know I think we should go somewhere else..." Ron finally said. "I have to finish shopping."  
  
"Well I can't join you for that, but I'll drop by later." The Author went off into one of the pyramids.  
  
While Ron went off with Genie to the shops.  
  
*  
  
Wormtail was fed up with how persistent the original sales people were (since he was conned into buying a pretty vase). He started to walk around the black market looking at magical odds 'n ends, almost forgetting why he was there in the first place... While looking at some carpets he spotted one of Harry Potter's elusive friends, Ronald Weasley, walking with an odd green figure. Ignoring the obvious picture he continued to look at the rugs, but found the one he was looking at was gone. Looking around for it he saw it was following the green figure behind the Weasley child. Thinking this was very suspicious he followed the two.  
  
*  
  
Ron was looking at the brooms they had in stock, he thought he'd buy a new one since his family now had money, and he was a pretty good keeper. Purchasing a Lighting Bolt, he and Genie went back to the hotel, with a little rat following them.  
  
Hermione bumped into Ron on her way to the hotel.  
  
"Hey Ron! -- OMG that's a genie!" Hermione walked around the green genie.  
  
"Why are witches and wizards more surprized then muggles?!" Genie asked.  
  
"And he talks! I've never heard of a genie speaking their mind in any of the books I've read."  
  
"Books lie honey." Genie said making a nail file come out of nowhere.  
  
"No." Hermione said quietly with a quivering lip.  
  
Genie nodded, "yes"  
  
"Nooooooooooo!" Hermione shouted running into the hotel with tears in her eyes.  
  
"What did you do that for?" Ron said, looking back longing at the tear filled Hermione.  
  
"Someone had to tell her the truth." Genie said looking at his nails.  
  
"Apologize to her now!" Ron screamed.  
  
"Or what?" Genie asked.  
  
"I won't set you free."  
  
"No one has set one of us free yet." Genie said sadly.  
  
"I am sorry about that, but I don't want my Hermy to be upset." Ron sniffled, thinking about slow-mo-meadow-happy-thoughts with Hermione.  
  
"You haven't even got her yet!" Genie said in his high pitched squeaky voice.  
  
"I got her just where I want her." Ron smiled.  
  
*cough*loser*cough* Genie spluttered.  
  
As they were entering the hotel Harry bumped into them.  
  
"Hey Ron." Harry smiled. "I was wondering if you had .... hey, that's my genie!" he cried.  
  
"N.... n no it isn't." Ron said.  
  
"You got yours at the black market I suppose? Because mine just went missing." Harry said.  
  
"Oh." Ron said. "You had one and you didn't tell me about it!" Ron said using the guilt trip thing again.  
  
"Well if I didn't tell you it is for not telling me about the Order and such." Harry threw back at him.  
  
"It wasn't my fault!" Ron cried out.  
  
"Sure it wasn't." Harry said.  
  
Genie was looking very bored, for this argument could go on for hours, so he took off past the hotel. Walking around, he felt that someone was following him. Knowing that the lamp was in safe hands, (okay fairly safe and stupid hands...) he would be fine.  
  
Peter was walking behind the blue/green genie waiting to capture it. Taking out his wand he used a binding spell and it took hold of the genie. Peter jumped for joy and dragged the genie towards himself.  
  
"Yes! I have captured you, and my master will be very pleased."  
  
Genie looked him over, "Oh sacre bleu! I have been captured by the enemy." he said sarcastically.  
  
"Yes you have been captured and you will soon serve my master!" Peter smiled, and started to drag the genie.  
  
Genie let the man dragged him for a bit, "If your master already has servants why does he need me?"  
  
"Because you are a genie, and he asked for you." Peter said absentmindedly.  
  
"Okay, but I already have a master." 'Alright I don't know who my master is, but I know have one, right?' he asked himself. "So how are you going to accomplish giving me to your master?"  
  
Peter said happily, "Because I have captured you."  
  
Genie stopped walking behind the little man and the binding spell stopped holding him. "Okay." and he walked off the other direction.  
  
"I can't believe you!" Harry said.  
  
"Well I can have a life." Ron said.  
  
"Yeah but with Hermione?!" he said still in shock.  
  
"Yes, I love her."  
  
"I didn't think a girl could come between us mate!" Harry said now almost sniffling.  
  
"She isn't coming between us, Harry." Ron said. "It's just I like her better than you."  
  
"Well I am back." Genie said trying to stop their conversation. "Do you want me to wish you something?"  
  
No one answered but they continued to argue against what they are arguing about....  
  
~  
  
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A/N: I know this chapter was drabble, but I had major writter's block. 


	6. chapter 6

A/N: sorry for the long delay for this update. Warning this chapter is full of randomness.  
  
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~  
  
Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny were sitting in Ron and Harry's room now talking like civilized human beings.  
  
"So all of you guys know about Genie." Harry concluded.  
  
Everyone nodded.  
  
"And how many were owners of Genie?"  
  
Ron and Ginny put up their hands.  
  
Hermione looked around in astonishment, "Why didn't I know about any of this?"  
  
"Does everyone have to know about the existence of a genie?" Ginny asked.  
  
"Well the ministry does." Hermione said matter-of-factly.  
  
"The ministry can go to frickin' hell." Harry hissed.  
  
"But dad works there." Ron sniffled. "Where would we get our money from then?"  
  
Ginny rolled her eyes, "I wished for large amounts of money brother dear, so the ministry can go to frickin' hell."  
  
"That was you?!" Ron asked.  
  
"Yes. Now can we get back to finding out who owns the stupid lamp?"  
  
"I found it first, I should own it, anyway with all the bad luck I get, I deserve it." Harry finalized the subject.  
  
"Well then who gets Genie after you use your three wishes?" Ginny asked.  
  
"Yeah 'cause you can't wish for more wishes." Ron said but was soon overcomed by a migraine.  
  
"Well duh." Hermione said. "It's against the rules."  
  
"No no--" Ron just quit trying to explain because he started to see double, for the information beforehand was too much for his head.  
  
"Well how do you know I won't set him free?" Harry asked everyone.  
  
"Because no one has set any of us free yet." came the garbled voice of Genie from inside his lamp.  
  
"Oh you poor poor thing!" Hermione said sadly. "We must uphold genies' rights!" she said jumping up and conjuring up buttons.  
  
"Not again!" Ginny and Harry said together.  
  
Ron took one of the buttons to examine, "URG?"  
  
"Yes! Uphold the Rights of Genies." she said happily. "I will set forth to spread the word." Hermione left the room.  
  
"Finally." Ginny sunk to the floor.  
  
"Do any of you guys think she'll succeed?" Ron asked.  
  
"Do we care?" Ginny asked.  
  
*  
  
Somewhere in a dark room...  
  
"You what?!" came a hiss.  
  
"I am sorry master it -- it won't happen again." a small voice whimpered.  
  
"I am positive you won't. And for your insolence of not finding me a genie--"  
  
"No no not that!!!!" the small voice screamed.  
  
"Ticklis!"  
  
Huge fits of laughter came from nowhere.  
  
"You..." long pause. "God is this all I have?" Voldemort looks around at his death eaters.  
  
"Yes, sorry master, you killed most of us off." a voice answered.  
  
"I did?" Longer pause. "Oh yeah! Well anyway, you there..... Luncinda?" he pointed at a sneering man with long blond hair.  
  
"Lucius, my lord." he corrected.  
  
"You sure?" he asked.  
  
"Should I answer this?" he whispered to a fellow death eater.  
  
"I wouldn't." came the response.  
  
"No..?"  
  
"Alright, well anyway you can finish off what Wormtail attempted."  
  
"Yes my lord." Lucinda walks out with giggling laughter behind him.  
  
*  
  
Potter winced during the discussion of who would own Genie.  
  
"What's wrong?" Ron asked.  
  
"Voldemort is around, duh." Ginny said.  
  
"Voldemort?" Ron said. "Wait you said his name!"  
  
"You did too." Ginny threw back.  
  
"Oh yeah."  
  
"Okay you two just say Voldemort ten times fast and get over your fear of saying it." Harry dared.  
  
While the Weasley's were doing this a knock was heard at the door. Harry went to get it and came face to face with Lucius Malfoy.  
  
"Hi!" Harry said. "I suppose a git like yourself did not come here to redeem yourself to goodness?"  
  
"No, I was wondering if you have any junk for my lord?"  
  
"Ha, I beat you!" Ron yelled at his sister. "Junk? I have loads of junk to give." he started to rummage through his belongs and came out with a maroon sweater, maroon dress robes, Scabbers' cage, and a lamp.  
  
He threw it to Lucius, who looked through it and smiled, "Thanks."  
  
"Weirdo." Harry rolled his eyes.  
  
Ginny was staring at a spot on the bed, "What did you give him?"  
  
"Oh, my sweater, dress robes, and a lamp."  
  
"Lamp?!" Ginny dived for him and started to roll around.  
  
"What kind of lamp?" Harry asked Ron.  
  
"An old oil lamp I just -- Poop." Ron threw his sister off of him and chased after Lucius yelling, "You get back here you stupid git!" 


End file.
